A work in progress.I am regularly asked to speak at events as far away as Hong Kong and Spokane. Because I live on only the money given to me by strangers in subways, I ask that you read the following before arranging for me to give a talk.
- My ideas are highly unpopular. So unpopular that I am asked to speak thousands of times a year. A security force of no fewer than ten (10) off-duty police or paramilitary officers is required at all times from when I arrive until you kick me out of your home.
- Hotels sometimes have many floors. This is contrary to the egalitarianism and flatness I have built my life around. I would like to stay in someone's home, preferably on the lower portion of a bunk bed. I sleep from midnight to noon and may not be interrupted in my sleep.
- On rising, I ask only that you do not look at me or speak to me, but have brought in a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. Two of them. Every hour. Until the talk.
- Cellular phones allow individuals to be easily tracked by corporations and governments. I do not carry a cell phone, and am unable to work pay phones as every quarter contains a minute tracking device, and my fingers are too big. If I need to make a call, I will yank the phone from your hand, call the FBI hotline and make a bomb threat, after which I will hand the phone back to you and run.
- Please purchase a set of lovebirds for each visit, which I will consume right before leaving.
- I do not give talks.