Richard Stallman Takes a Holiday

Adapted from a short non-fiction book.

Scene: Richard Stallman, dressed in corduroys, a long-sleeved shirt, and a hat, reclines on a lounge on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

Waiter: Sir, may I get you a drink?
Stallman: Many people assume that because I am traveling, I am having a vacation.
Waiter: Sir, this is a resort. You are on vacation.
Stallman: The fact is, I have no vacations.
Waiter: As you wish. Sir, would you like—
Stallman: It is very important for me to be able to transfer email between my laptop and the net, so I can do my ordinary work.
Waiter: There is complimentary high-speed Wi-Fi service that is included in the cost of your stay.
Stallman: If the network requires a proxy for SSH, I probably can't use it at all.
Waiter: Sir, I am not a technical expert, but I could get the front desk—
Stallman: If it involves loading a nonfree driver, I will refuse.
Waiter: I believe, sir, that the built-in adapter on most computers will work just fine. But I could ask—
Stallman: Until you have tested it, don't believe it!
Waiter: As you say, sir. Now, about the matter of a drink. Some beer? A cocktail?
Stallman: I dislike the taste of alcohol, so I don't drink anything stronger than wine.
Waiter: Ah, yes, sir, we have a wide variety of international—
Stallman: Wine is not very important to me—not like food. I like some wines, depending on the taste, and dislike others, but I don't remember the names of wines I have liked, so it is useless to ask me.
Waiter: Perhaps the house white?
Stallman: If you get a bottle of wine, I will taste it, and if I like the taste, I will drink a little, perhaps a glass.
Waiter: Yes, sir. Would you like some food to go with that, sir? Some guacamole?
Stallman: No.
Waiter: Olives?
Stallman: No.
Waiter: An orange or grapefruit?
Stallman: No.
Waiter: An entire hardboiled egg?
Stallman: No.
Waiter: Babaganoush?
Stallman: No.
Waiter (to himself): Perhaps some peanuts. [Waiter is gone for a few moments while Stallman lies inert. Waiter returns.]
Waiter: If sir would just write his room number and sign.
Stallman: I cannot find my room key.
Waiter: Sir, are you even a guest at this establishment?
Stallman: The frustration I feel when I suffer such a loss is excruciating.